Freelancers: Forging a New World Order

A witty freelancer on one of my writing groups recently posted this must-see parody of the many please-write-for-free ads on Internet job boards: "If All Craigslist Job Postings Were for Freelance Writers."

It does beg a sad question: What other industry--besides publishing--has such seriously medieval modi operandi?

Backwater MO 1: The byline is payment. I once had an editor, after distributing my work to 19 other papers in his chain (without permission), tell me: "Most writers would be flattered by the exposure." BZZT! Wrong answer! Freelancers, like normal grownups, trade work for money.

But maybe I'm stuck in industrial-age thinking. Maybe publishing is the front line of an economic revolution. Imagine all the people living life in an economy that operates on flattery and exposure. Hey big guy; Well aren't you just the sexiest, most magnificent mortgage company, EVER? Imagine my front lawn filled with those promo signs for house painters, electricians, pool builders, Prius, couture houses, FAO Schwarz, Travel Barcelona!, Bank of America, and so on. Imagine newspapers giving us free subscriptions for giving them good word-of-mouth.

I think we're onto something.

Inexplicable MO 2: Returns. Booksellers order as many books as they want, put their spines on shelves for a month and return those that don't sell via distributers -- and publishers are charged for all of this, including shipping and the distributor's time and shelf space. Any wonder why author royalties have slipped into single digits? This approach began during The Depression as a way to entice sellers to carry products in lean times. It made life simple for booksellers because there was no risk—ask any consignment shop.

Instead of feeling pissed-upon and slighted as writers and independent publishers, perhaps we should reframe this one too: Maybe the planet would benefit if all industries adopted this business model. If our Bibb lettuce wilts before we make our BLT's, return it to ConAgra on their dime, for a full refund. If we never wear that mall-bought T-shirt from China, just ship it back across the Pacific, C.O.D. If we don't finish our antibiotic, return the unused portion to Glaxo-Mega-Pharma for $20-a-tab, plus shipping. (And turn those returns around quickly: Buy more stock in FedEx and UPS.)

Naturally this everything's-on-consignment M.O. could extend to non-tangibles as well. Haven't exercised your Second Amendment right to own a gun this year? No problem! Since you didn't use one of your Bill-of-Rights rights, return it! Expect a 10 percent tax abatement. No car accidents this year? Great. That means you didn't use your insurance. Return it! Allstate will send you a full refund for a year's worth of premiums. Fall asleep during trailers on that DVD? Only watch three of the 76 stations on your cable roster? Well.. you get the picture.

See? It's the start of a new world order.